I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
