Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
