Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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