Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
