I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
