I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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