meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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