My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
