So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
This is the high leading the old right now
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
