YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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