i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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