I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
