Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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