and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
