I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
