the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
