I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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