guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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