life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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