I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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