Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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