We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
