nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
