you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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