Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
