thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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