he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
