you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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