I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
