the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
