eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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