I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
