I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
