I hope mine doesn't look like that
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
