first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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