I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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