I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
