I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
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