News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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