I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
