Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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