So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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