I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
