How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
