I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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