ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
