Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
