I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
