my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
