i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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