she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
